Not to cause a panic, but DRPT’s office hounds (Cyber-Dog) have been recalled due to murderous tendencies.
They say that dogs are a man’s best friend. That statement can not only be misconstrued as sexist – as dogs are also a woman’s best friend (despite proclaiming that diamonds are their favorite companions) – but also as incorrect.
I mean, best friend? Really?
Most humans don’t have enemies who would look directly into their eyes while soiling their garden and simultaneously curling nose hairs. Let alone best friends.
And now, well, murderous hounds are roaming the land courtesy of a technical glitch.
The relentless and remorseless cutie-pies were expected to thrive in the warm glow of office life, providing a stress-free companion for those spending life at a desk. We even had the Health and Safety Board sign off the project and final product.
So if you are going to blame anyone, best to blame them.
Sure, we had to defend our controversial plans to unleash 300 robot dogs into the wilds of scorched-earth office culture, apparently told by our test group that they would “kill anyone they encounter”. Not that we remember such warnings, or all that bribe money being paid.
The unabating cyborgs originated from a think-tank brainstorming session. And definitely not from our plan to enslave humanity or anything. No, you’re reading too much into this.
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“We were looking for a way to inject some non-judgemental yet loveable charm into the modern toxic workplace. We contemplated plants, fancy dress days, bean bags, and then thought – ach, f**k it – let’s unleash robot dogs on people”, explained Lord Brain, designer of the DRPT Cyborg.
But office worker Hitler Mussolini said: “I really don’t know why they felt a need to tamper with office politics. It’s like when they introduced a pod of Godzillas just off the coast to help the RNLI and all those ships went missing. Or the time they gave LSD to guide dogs and all those people died.”
So, What Exactly Is A DRPT Cyber-Dog?
So friendly
Contemporary workplace environments are often poisonous. If it’s not one thing, then it’s another.
“A large HR department suffocating all means of enjoyment through biased and woke-sponsored coercion. Sexist, racist, and homophobic activity. A sense of impending doom. Double standards. Oneupmanship. Backstabbing. A lack of a liveable wage. The Cyber-Dog was meant to counteract all of that,” Professor Ignoble told crime scene investigators.
The official product launch pack outlines the Cyber-dog’s purpose:
Is your workplace slowly turning you towards violence? In need of something lovely to take your mind away from time’s onward march towards the grave? You need a Cyber-Dog!
Fresh from the innovative minds of ThinkTank 04/01, and designed by the people who brought you the infamous Flammable Umbrella Shoe, comes man’s best (robotic) friend!
Designed to bring all the joys of a dog to the office, but without the responsibilities of dog ownership, the Cyber-Dog offers enough cuteness and surrogate charm to counteract any requirement for workplace compassion, or appreciation for individual effort.
Tired of masking your bad managerial behavior with awkward Christmas parties and the occasional pizza? Use discount code 30APRILFOOLOFF to gain yourself the perfect robotic companion, and workplace mascot to raise morale!
After all, you can’t be a hipster workplace, offering no benefits or career advancement, without beanbags – or a (robotic) dog!
The need for robotic dogs, rather than real ones, came from several reasons. Mainly, deranged landlords with double standards don’t allow actual dogs into office blocks.
Secondly, actual dogs will let you down and die.
Thirdly, unlike a real dog, you can repair a robot in front of younger children without causing them to scream for a solid fortnight.
Finally, you don’t have the bother of feeding, walking, or tidying up after a robot. All you need to do is ensure that the software is up to date. And how hard could that possibly be?
“Our software was designed with longevity in mind”, the project’s Chief Developer – Ian Ternet – told reporters. “Just like that time we hired Hellraiser to entertain residents of the nearby care home. And that really helped to attract more business for them. The care home suddenly had dozens of vacant rooms.”
Why Are These Dogs Attacking Humans?
Artist’s impression of reported dog attacks
Ok. So these adorable robot hounds have had a slight technical glitch. They are programmed to judge each human’s mood and react accordingly. If the sensors pick up if you are sad, they are supposed to spring into action with enchanting cuteness and lift your mood.
The robot’s actionable algorithm could home in and target the individual, aiming to raise a smile and get them promptly back to work without delay. Like a prison guard, but a cutesy-wootsy-snuggly one.
Sadly, the algorithm has gone a step too far. After one update too many, the DRPT Cyborgs have changed tact, and rather than lift your mood with doggy charm, they now eliminate your sadness by terminating your life. But in a pretentiously artistic fashion. Because they care.
“They really know how to slaughter innocent and sad office workers with panache and style,” HR manager Helma Boat told a Procurator Fiscal of the Supreme Court.
“As it turns out, running doesn’t help. It just makes things worse. Like that time they enforced cyclists to take ‘proper drugs’ because that might make their sport vaguely interesting. And then all those joggers were decapitated”.
What Happened At Bristol-Squibb Myers Ltd?
Actual image of events.*
Literally nothing. Don’t believe the news. Someone brutally and savagely shredded themselves while making coffee. OK? And chances are, they brought it on themselves because of a bad mood.
Our official report states that she escaped with light bruising, whereas the police report claims the woman died in a gory massacre where several Cyborgs ripped her apart and spread her organs across the floor like chunky mustard. Fake news.
Apparently – and there aren’t enough survivors to collaborate a true turn of events – the pack of adorable Cyborgs picked up on some sadness in the office (mass redundancies, or something) and simply tried to help.
Just because everyone died during an intense mechanical attack, amid screaming and pandemonium where several small fires broke out, did not result in DRPT’s Cyborg being recalled. It was only the fourth case of its kind (that day), and we thought the teething issues would solve themselves.
Just like how Boeing does things, really. And they have gotten away with everything scott-free.
It is only now after a hefty investigation that we are recalling all Cyborgs for reprogramming. And the best part is, we are doing this free of charge!
And that decision is totally ours, and not advice from our lawyer or anything. No, you’re looking too much into this.
How To Survive A Cyber-Dog Attack
Nice Doggy
This is relatively simple. And, unlike the furious public warning issued by the Government, you are not destined to become offal.
In the unlikely* event that a DRPT Cyborg begins to hunt you down with the indefatigable strength of a nuclear terminator, you should follow these eight handy hints:
1. Trip your colleague and make for the exit
2. Dress up like a robot and try to blend in
3. Use your manager as a human shield
4. If attacked, then play dead. It will be good practice for when you die a couple of minutes later.
5. Punch the dog repeatedly until you pass out from blood loss/decapitation (whichever occurs first)
6. Propose a trading deal
7. Enter a different dimension (if possible)
8. Inform your doctor that you are dead
How Many Cyber-Dogs Are Out There?
They just want to play
Literally some. But not enough to cause wide-scale panic. We stopped production after chassis number 87,019.
Furthermore, out of this number, only 96% were installed with those admirable titanium-plated teeth.
Chances are, you won’t meet a Cyborg in the wild. Especially not now, after we fixed the fence upon some escapees reaching the local orphanage. But don’t panic. Those little tykes aren’t in pain anymore.
“I had to question the Government’s findings about these Cyber-dogs”, Sir Lawun Moyer told the inquest hearing.
“I see no cause for alarm with this product. It’s just like the time they introduced all those Terminators into the Scottish Highlands to help deal with American tourists. Nobody died screaming, it was all over very quickly.”
How Do I Return My Cyber-Dog?
We are not trying to control you*
Should you wish to return your super-friendly office mascot, you can contact us when we release our contact details. Which will be soon. We promise.*
In the meantime, try not to run as that only enrages them further. And remember to use that offer code to redeem your replacement: APRILFOOL2022.
But you knew that already 😉
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Just in the event that you haven’t clocked this is an April Fools post, we can confidently claim that you have nothing to worry about. There are no robotic dogs out there with murderous tendencies towards human kind.
Anyway, we all know that the real threat to human existence remains the woke agenda of Hollywood. Death to them all.
Calum Brown
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