Eurovision 2022 is just around the corner, and that’s got us thinking…
How do you create the perfect performance to win the most fabulous singing contest in the world?
After many discussions and 100s of catchy Euro-pop songs being lodged in our heads like stray bullets, we’ve come up with a diabolical plan.
A plan to win Eurovision 2022.
Be warned the following blog contains a lot of Eurovision references
But who doesn’t love the glitter-filled, camp-costume-wearing, electro-dance-pop-fest that is Eurovision
Anyway let’s get to it…
Our plan is already underway so we thought we’d share this super secret information with you for Eurovision 2023.
No we’re not representing the UK, but they’ll wish we had been picked after reading our dastardly plan.
We’re so certain that we’ll win that you can hop down to the bookies, scribble down DRPT SEO Geniuses at the bottom of the Euro-slip and bet your house on it.
There’s a few things you need to know about to snatch the number 1 spot and claim the coveted title of Euro-champ.
We’re not going to Toy with you, we’ll show you how to Netta victory and make sure you’re screaming with Euphoria.
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You can’t win Eurovision with a masterful plan if you haven’t got a masterful plan to begin with.
Don’t be putting on your sparkling silver skin tight lycra just yet.
The plan, everyone needs one, even SEO specialists – that’s how you know they’re worth doing.
What do you need to do to become Europe’s next trashiest one-hit wonder (sorry Lulu, we love you really.)
- Grab your pals (even if they can’t sing) and force them to into a pop group
- Find the most audacious patterns that you can from your local fabric store
- Employ a C-list song writer to help you with your melody
- Create a chorus that’s catchier than most STIs
- Come up with an obnoxiously simple dance routine (one that people can easily replicate)
- Find some instruments that you’re going to pretend to play on stage
- Inflate your ego 100x until it can no longer fit in the room beside you
- Fly to your host city (Milan, Italy in 2022)
- Let the Fuego begin…
The road to victory is ahead of us, if you stick with us you’ll be Rising Like A Phoenix to victory.
Assembling Your Pop-Heroes
Do you know any good singers?
You do?
Good!
Now forget about them…
Find the most outlandish people that you can that includes crazy Uncle Jim, make sure to gorilla glue a microphone to his hand and get ready for a wild ride.
Can’t find crazy uncle Jim because he’s too busy fighting pigeons while singing J’aime La Vie?
Yeah we thought so, not to worry we have a backup plan, get yourself down to your local retirement center with a couple of werther’s originals and “signed” pictures of Cliff Richard.
If rounding up a group of confused OAPs isn’t your style you’ve always got the opportunity to drag your partner along, with your best friend and their partner, and then you can break up with those partners, break up the group and then reunite over 20 years later and carry on as if nothing had happened.
Sounds like too much effort?
Maybe solo artistry is the way forward for you.
Dress Like A Diva
Forget singing, dressing the part is way more important for your Eurovision success.
Silver swimsuits, multicoloured suits, death metal monsters, big top circus tent dresses and conflicting patterns are the secret weapon of any Euro-winner wannabe.
The traditional garb of your country will usually score you the bigger points, well maybe not every time, especially in the case of this red, white and blue fashion faux pas.
A hairstyle from a long forgotten decade is another way to win favour with the audience of the greatest singing competition on Earth.
Quiffs, bowl cuts, buzz cuts, mohawks, dreadlocks, bouffants, afros, ducktails, beehives, perms, pompadours, waves, weaves and wings are all fair game.
A flamboyant wig wouldn’t be out of place, and bearded women are actively encouraged to apply!
If you opt for a wig, make sure everyone in your entourage is wearing one too, preferably obnoxiously neon coloured to ensure your outfits are clashing as much as possible.
You’ll have the judges dancing like a Puppet On A String if you follow our advice to the letter.
How To Be The Best Euro-Representative
Not everyone gets to represent their country at Eurovision.
Stay with us because this might be the hardest part of our devious plan.
It’s not quite as simple as deciding to sign up for the competition, there are rigorous rounds of competition to be accepted for your country’s representative.
That’s why we’ve decided to sneak into the competition representing none other than Norway!
We’re hoping nobody will notice considering their poor track record. (Our deepest apologies to all of the Norwegians reading this.)
It’s a bit like SEO, Google picks its representatives for its highest rankings based on who’s doing the most and what it thinks people are going to enjoy best.
There’s nothing scarier than standing in front of a judging panel consisting of Google, Bing and Simon Cowell.
Luckily for us getting into Eurovision will be a lot easier than trying to impress those three.
Becoming a European pop sensation is a lot easier than maintaining quality SEO, or so we’ve heard.
Winning the hearts of Europe might seem like a big achievement, but you’ll be fine with our Eurovision cheat sheet.
Our SEO Secrets
Utilising SEO we can make sure to get our band page to the top of most of the Eurovision search results.
It’ll really tip the odds in our favour.
Save Your Kisses For Me until you’ve read all of our top SEO tips to win Eurovision 2023.
You might be asking, but how do you do it?
SEO is grown overtime, not overnight so you’ll have to be aiming for 2023’s entry to capitalise on these tips.
- Fresh, evergreen content
- Engaging content that has your audience coming back for more
- Highly researched keywords
- Optimised content for your designated keywords
- SEO elements including meta descriptions, geared towards your ideal target audience
- Up to date social media content
- Frequently updated Google My Business
- Healthy links
- Multiple backlinks from reputable sources
You’ll be able to take the internet by storm using our SEO top tips, once you’ve secured this you can focus on the actual performance.
Feel The Rhythm Inside
Unless you have songwriting experience we’d suggest leaving that to an expert.
You can probably find an old Eurovision winner to hire for fairly cheap to help with this.
When it’s being written just make sure that you’ve got at least 3 key changes, a catchy chorus, a mix of English and your chosen language and a dramatic finish.
Once that’s done all that’s left is the choreography.
You’re only allowed a maximum of 6 artists on stage at a time so that limits the amount of people you can hide behind.
We’d recommend including a recent dance trend, we’d suggest the floss but that’s probably a few years out of date now.
The Scoring
There’s nothing more embarrassing than putting your whole self into a performance for it to get the dreaded nul points.
It’s certainly not as embarrassing as having it happen twice, like the UK in recent years.
The judges review the performances based on talent, whereas the viewers tend to vote with their hearts.
Charisma is the key to the public’s hearts and if you win that you’ll become a legend just like this sparkling silver star from the Eurovision hall of fame.
You can walk away with your head held high if you make it to the first half of the board, but we’re aiming for the top.
Just like search rankings, that number one spot is coveted.
If you’ve followed all of our tips you’ll be in with a good chance of becoming the fan favourite, even winning the whole thing!
Unlike certain celebrity judges who have appeared over the years we actually care about Eurovision and we can’t wait to take the crown home.
Welcome To Eurovision 2022
We can’t wait to show you what we’ve been working on, it’s a song all about how great SEO is but with a twist.
Keep your eyes peeled for us as Norway’s representative. (Unless we’re dragged off the stage before we get to perform…)
We’ve got our Eurovision scorecards and European flags at the ready.
Best of luck to all countries this year and from the Direct Response team Happy Eurovision weekend!
We just can’t wait to hear the results, just imagine it, The Winner of Eurovision 2022 is… DRPT!
Disclaimer: If you need SEO or website service then Direct Response PT is your best bet, but they should under no circumstances be listened to when it comes to advice regarding Eurovision.
Johnathan Elliott
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